My Voice

To get what is 'on the inside' out is a task that has proven to be much more difficult than I had expected it to be.

 

To open my mouth and speak what my mind thinks....

 

To let my heart over flow out of my mouth....

 

I have prayed many prayers to be able to open up and let it out! There is so much inside of me that I want to express. Sometimes it feels like I am physically incapable to say it. Like I am being choked. I know that there is not a wrong answer and what I have to say may help someone else. Someone else maybe thinking the same thing, or may have the same problem and I could help. But most of the time I am scared to speak.

 

I have pondered and pondered on why I have this problem for a long time. I can write it out, no problem. But when it comes to talking about it, I freeze, literally. I greatly enjoy writing about my feelings, my voice speaks loudly in my writing. When I write it out, people aren't here to interrupt me. Judge the topic. Or criticize my knowledge.

 

Just now, as I was in the kitchen cooking tonight's meal, and I had a totally different blog in mind, I figured out why I hold back what I have to say.

 

I think it is because in some way I consider myself an 'apprentice in being saved'. {break through}What I mean by that is that I have only been saved for 2 years. Everyone around me has years on me.

 

I fill myself with God's word every day but I am still new at this. I thank God every day but I am still new at this. I consult God with every choice I make but I am still new at this. I fight the devil every day but I am still new at this. I love God with all I have but I am still new at this. I have a unbelieving husband but I am still new at this. There are so many things that I have to offer people. That I could be offering people. I have incredible faith!

 

I don't speak out because I am still in that phase of "learning". Two years ago when I first started Sunday School I soaked it in like a sponge. A sponge that was dry and in desperate need of watering. Now I am a soaked sponge that is overflowing and can give to others. So now, if I may be so brave, I may venture into the "lending" stage and lend some of my advice, verbally. 

 

Casual talk doesn't bother me one bit; I am use to that. I have done that for 28 years. I can joke around in public, I can talk with my friends, but when it comes to talking about God, froze. It sucks because I KNOW Him!! And oh my, praying in public...well, God and I are working on that! (It is almost like my body goes into epileptic shock!)

 

I still may be new at this BUT I can give to others in a special way. My voice is MINE. God gave it to me to use!!  Let me get to using it, in other ways than on paper (or computer). So when I have something to say, I promise to say it. That is a promise to God and myself.  God doesn't care that I am not perfect and I shouldn't care what others think. So...here goes folks. Bare with me! :)

May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. - Psalm 119:171

And He said "Just Kidding"

We know that God never moves.

He is always near us.

He will never forsake us.

If we feel distant, we have moved away from his will. That is where I was as of last night, thankfully he is a God that is personal and comes to us when we ask him too.

 

For the past few days, maybe even a week; I have been in his word, worshiping him, doing all the 'right things'. But the distance between us was there, if anything it was growing. There was something that I was doing wrong and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to find out what was going on and try to fix it. So last night I went to him and confronted him about why my heart felt a little further than normal from him.

 

Personally, I am able to hear him best and we have our best conversations in the shower. I don't have the distractions of a sweet 2 year old or a loving husband. I can pray, cry and sing. (Then come out refreshed and looking beautiful! ;-))

 

The challenge is to be open enough to hear his voice and to see the answer. Most of the time we choose not to see the answer because it isn't what we want. But He loves us too much to leave us where we are. 

 

He is my creator. He knows without a shadow of a doubt what I need. I am ok with Him being quiet. I can 'be still'. I praise him for unanswered prayers and answered prayers, but what I won't stand for is being even a centimeter away from his everlasting grasp.

 

God said "You made a move that you thought was right, but you did it without consulting in Me first." He said that this is not going the way it was suppose to, so I am taking it away. Ouch! Yup, that is what I get! Trying to think that I could do it without him. I did it unintentionally but I still did it. There was a place in the back of my head where I am sure satan was saying "haha, gotcha".

 

And this is a small issue. I know that I would consult the Big Guy on all big things first. But we forget to consult him about the little things. And I did. And he reminded me that he is in charge of those too!! Yup, I am back tracking now! Taking it all back. All that I said before. Going back to where I once was. Trying to get my humility back.

 

What I have learned from this that I thought that I could do something and call it a God thing.....yeah, I was wrong. God may have been behind it from the start, but when I got took a step off of his track and did something for my glory and not his, he ultimately rejected the whole thing. When I did that, my mind got focused it on that thing and less on Him.  He brought to my attention last night that my focus was really on what other people may or may not have thought,. My intentions were not that, but I am a sinner. I need God's grace, mercy and strength...every day and in every thing.

 

Because I was doing all the 'right things', my tank remained full. I was able to see his answer, hear his voice and for that I am very thankful.

 

I am very blessed. Thank you for Your perfect plan, above all else, thank you for Your amazing grace. 

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:23-24