Its my choice

Yesterday morning I flipped to a random page in Jesus Calling and word of God spoke directly to me.

"I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. " (Feb3)

I have been  on what I would call a "mental freak out" lately. Every day feels like a struggle. Not sure which way is up or how I get through them. There is a lot going on and when my mind is down, that is when the enemy will attack. And let me tell you, he is attacking.

 

He is in my head. He is in my words. He is in my tone. I have been just going through the motions and the motions haven't been very pretty. I don't like it at all. I miss my joy. I am certain that it isn't very fun for anyone in the Allbright household at this moment.

 

This morning, Brandon let for out of town for a few days. Only to return the morning of Landen's third birthday party. (Just a little more pressure.) But, when he left, I just cried. I stood there feeling sorry for myself. I felt horrible because I had been a ugly person the last few days and now he left. So ran out to him and said a proper goodbye, in the nick-of-time. But I still felt pitty on myself. So I turned to the one place where I could find rest and be open with my ugliness.

 

I opened my bible and my Jesus Calling book. I read today's: ...How much time and energy they waste by being always on the go, rather than taking time to seek my direction for their lives...  I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for me! Depend on Me more and more and I will shower Peace on all your paths! WOW.

 

Then decided to turn back to Feb 3 and continue with Feb 4....and Word of God keep speaking please!

"Bring Me your weakness, and receive Me peace. Accept yourself and your circumstances just as they are. Do not wear yourself out with analyzing and planning. Instead, let thankfulness and trust be your guides through this day; they will keep you close to Me. As you live in the radiance of My Presence, My Peace shines upon you. You will cease to notice how weak or strong you feel, because you will be focusing on Me. The best way to get through this day is step by step with me. Continue this intimate journey, trusting that the path you are following is headed for heaven."

Along with that was Psalm 29:11 "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

That struck me deeply. Right here in front of me, on my finger tips, in my bible, it says that the Lord gives his people strength and blesses us with peace. The bible is Truth. His word never fails and his promises are never broken.

 

Since this is true, why do I not feel strong and peaceful. Right then I prayed for an answer and guidance. And before I could finish praying I had my answer.

It is a choice. Its my choice.

A choice to use his Holy Spirit for that strength and peace. I have to choose to use it, especially in my ugly moments. It doesn't flow from me because I am a human fleshly sinner. It is up to me to put it into action, daily. Every morning, every minute, every second. To think before I say something to my rambunctious 3 year old. I still have a choice not to be offended when a someone doesnt react like I wish. I have choices! I choose to make choices that will bring glory to God, not shame him. To be intentional, aware of His Spirit within me and use it, for He has given it to me.

 

Otherwise satan takes over, he wins and I die.

 

I have been wanting my joy back. Asking for it, praying for it. But all along it has been my choice. It is MY joy. I am taking it back.

 

We will get through all that the Lord has placed before our family. There are changes taking place. Some good and some not good. But they are all changes that have passed through the Great I Am's powerful hands. That gives comfort to my weary soul. May all of this bring glory to Him and if we fall part in the mean time, may the Lamb of God be there to put our pieces back together.

 

Be Blessed Friends.

 

 

My Divine Appointment

I am reading Unglued. A great book that takes about many wonderful things, one of which is perspective.

 

Something that I was lacking the last week was perspective. Mainly with Landen.

 

I am nonstop with him. He is almost 3 with an attitude that is growing. Whines at the drop of a hat because he thinks he deserves everything. He is 1 child but majority of the time (and I say this non sarcastically) he is about 3 kids wrapped into 1. He and I have been at each other. We are about to break each other in to pieces!

 

I keep calling and calling on the only person that can help us, the only person who can give me the advice I need. The only person who knows how to handle Landen better than we do; that would be Landen's creator. God. Together, with His help, we will get through this..... and then we will face the next thing!

 

I would ask Landen, who is the only person that can help him and mommy right now and his answer would be Jesus. (Very powerful moment for a momma to witness.) Many, many times Landen and I would fall down into the floor and just pray for Jesus to help us.  We would sit and I would pray. Pray for Jesus to send the Holy Spirit into us, and help us understand one another. It certainly helped calm us down.

 

I love that the moments when I feel that I am coming unglued on my little curious 3 year old, together  we can call upon Jesus for His divine help.

 

But I felt as if I needed more...

 

I didn't know that God was going to give it to me in a Divine Appointment. He is always working on us, in us and around us. So I should have expected it.  Expect the unexpected with God, right?

 

A few weeks ago, two friends and I set up an appointment to travel and see another great friend who has been at Children's Medical Center in Dallas for about a month, with her second daughter who is now 1 month old. But 2 days before the day arrived my traveling companions had stuff come up and were not able to go. But my heart ever so much still wanted to go. So I went. And I am so glad that I did. For more reasons than this blog.  

 

Of course, I don't know God's plan, but dare I say that this was what I needed? A road trip with Jesus, to my unknowingly Divine Appointment? 

 

I was so looking forward to seeing my friend! I miss her!!  There family is in a tough spot, one that God put them in, because He knows that they are going to make it through this. She is a strong woman. A passionate mother, with a baby girl that is fighting for her life. With prayer, faith and God's mercy and grace they will get to come home soon. But not without a long road ahead of their family.

 

Our visit was perfect. The time had slipped away from us and I had to come back home to pick up Landen from school.

 

My view had changed. My heart was softened again. It happened instantly.

 

I was thanking God for allowing my child to 3 years old.

I was thanking God because he has a voice to whine.

I was thanking God because I can hold my baby when I want.

I was thanking God that my child has energy and is healthy. And the list goes on.....

 

I was no longer getting aggravated or irritated with Landen. I know these are all things to be praising God for but when you are caught up in your mundane life; it all starts to look the same.

 

I needed to take a big step outside of my mundane. God put me there.

I needed to see what I have is praise worthy. God showed me that.

I needed to reconnect with a sweet friend. God granted that.

 

Perspective from someone elses eyes looks totally different. You know, while I was with my friend. I got some bad news that has been weighing heavy. But she reached out and helped me, talked with me and even amidst her trouble, she helped me with mine. I love that about her. She is a total rock star! A sweet, caring friend, a faithful Christian and she has a genuine heart.

 

So, while I am working on my imperfect progress.... especially with Landen, I will be seeing my once aggravating, irritating burdens (for lack of a better word), as praise worthy blessings.

 

God gives us everything we need for this day. Nothing more, nothing less. Live by faith, one day at a time.

 

I have been focused on and studying Romans 12:11-12

"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

 

Be blessed friends.

 

Words and Actions

I am going to continue to share what other part of my imperfect progress the Lord is helping me work on: my words and actions.

 

Mostly towards my husband. I have been convicted of my words and actions towards 'outsiders' for a long time. It is in the comfort of my home that I let 'my comfy' get in the way. For I have someone who is lost looking at me 24/7. He sees what I do as a reflection of Jesus. I need to be His light, a bright light.

 

A different good friend from a different ladies night told us something that has stuck with me from the moment she spoke the words (these ladies nights we have are GREAT, for our souls!!!) She was talking about how she decided a long time ago to put her selfish needs aside for her husband. That she cant expect him to change if she isn't willing to change. That when she is meeting his needs, he is more willing to meet her needs. BOOM! The light went off! Thanks friend! :)

 

How true is that! It got my wheels turning and here we go!! 

 

How can I expect anything to change when my attitude stinks, or my tone is harsh, or my behavior is anything less than Jesus worthy? I cant and it wont. It will dig a deeper hole; a hole that he nor I can afford to get any deeper.

 

It just so happen that he was out of town that week. The next day, I pondered and prayed about the thoughts going on and how to react in the Spirit and not in the flesh to my husband. Because I want more than nothing to do so. I want him to see the Jesus that loves us, that died for us.

 

I have this dry erase board in the kitchen that usually holds a scripture or phrase. God told me to write a message to myself on it. A message of remembrance. Out in the open. So that my husband can see it. So that he will see that I am focused on changing, making a better change. Those words are seen every day. I walk by them many times. It is most certainly a reminder to choose not be offended and to speak lovingly to my husband. There are few times that I have slipped up, and I have repented and apologized. BUT! I am making imperfect progress.

 

When you get close with God, ask HIM what He shall have you do, and get real with yourself, and DO IT! It is amazing at what you can do!

 

I love it! I think that my husband can see a difference. Him seeing the board makes a difference for his actions, because he knows that I am working on it, I can tell he is working on it. See, I give, he gives - its a marriage!! A great marriage that one day will be united under God!

 

Clinging to this verse:

"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." - 1 Peter 3:1-2

 

*GOD IS ALWAYS SO GOOD!*

 

Offended

A good friend of mine said something at a ladies night a while back that has recently come back up in my mind and has stuck with me. She told us that 'being offended is a choice'. Man, I have never forgotten it. I have not chosen to live that way until recently.

 

What people say is not your choice, but you have the choice not to take offense to it. Just thinking about that lifts me from many unnecessary bad attitudes.

 

It helps me see pass the words that people choose. At first they may hurt my feelings, but only if I let them! My fight is not against the person. There words and actions cant hurt me, and I am choosing not to be offended.

 

I have to take a step back from the situation, before I say my first reaction, step away and tell my self "I am not offended by this. It is ok."

 

Just yesterday I had to put this into practice! Once I am convicted on something, I can guarantee that God will put me into many situations that will require me to test my endurance and stamina in that area. So I better be ready! Lord I hope I am! I think I am! It has really been on my heart and mind. (I remember when I first became a Christian, and was convicted on my patience, He made me sit at the doctors office for 3 hours.... just in the waiting room!! For a 5 minute check up from having my appendix removed!! Sheesh!! That was killer!)

 

I had been ironing our clothes all day Friday; B's shirt, my pants, my shirt, L's pants, L's shirt. Lots of other stuff along with it. I was kinda going crazy and decided it best that we have creases in our pants. So we would all match. Our shirts coordinated, they didn't match 100% but went together, the way family pictures are suppose too. I have never done this before, so I would say there was a small part of me going bizurk!

 

Yesterday as we were getting ready for our family pictures, I reminded B that he needed to pick out his pants and iron them, with creases. He did and then got irritated because the iron put a stain on them and he had to choose a different pair. Then he said that "we don't all have to have creases in our pants and look like the Brady Bunch". I told him (in a sincere voice - because I meant it) that was fine, to do whatever he felt he needed to do. Because in my head I was thinking that if he choose not to have creases, I would just iron out our creases. I would just take care of what I thought was the problem my self. I avoided the argument and chose NOT to be offended.

 

Granted, I may have to step into the bath room and said (in my head) "I am not Mrs. Brady Bunch, I don't even know what that means. They don't dress the same! I am NOT offended by that. It IS ok. I can fix this and it will be a great day." And it was a wonderful day, and my attitude didn't fall into a funk because it only took my about 3 minutes to iron out the creases and we were all happy and I didn't hurt my husband feelings with a snide remark back because I was offended.

 

Before choosing, I would have been extremely offended. I would have blown it way out of proportion and it would have thrown our whole day into a funk, it was happened before. I certainly don't like it when I cant control my emotions, Brandon doesn't like it and I am not showing that I am a Jesus girl by letting it happen. 

 

I was able to stay focused on my blessings. It is only part of my imperfect progress that I am making.

 

This is just the start of my journey of choosing not to be offended. I am taking back control of my feelings.  As Lysa TerKeurst says in unglued:

God gave me more than just a heart to process life. He gave me a mind as well. A mind made for truth to reign supreme and to keep my heart in check. We must remember. "The heart is deceitful above all things.... I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind" (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

 

 

 

 

 

My Voice

To get what is 'on the inside' out is a task that has proven to be much more difficult than I had expected it to be.

 

To open my mouth and speak what my mind thinks....

 

To let my heart over flow out of my mouth....

 

I have prayed many prayers to be able to open up and let it out! There is so much inside of me that I want to express. Sometimes it feels like I am physically incapable to say it. Like I am being choked. I know that there is not a wrong answer and what I have to say may help someone else. Someone else maybe thinking the same thing, or may have the same problem and I could help. But most of the time I am scared to speak.

 

I have pondered and pondered on why I have this problem for a long time. I can write it out, no problem. But when it comes to talking about it, I freeze, literally. I greatly enjoy writing about my feelings, my voice speaks loudly in my writing. When I write it out, people aren't here to interrupt me. Judge the topic. Or criticize my knowledge.

 

Just now, as I was in the kitchen cooking tonight's meal, and I had a totally different blog in mind, I figured out why I hold back what I have to say.

 

I think it is because in some way I consider myself an 'apprentice in being saved'. {break through}What I mean by that is that I have only been saved for 2 years. Everyone around me has years on me.

 

I fill myself with God's word every day but I am still new at this. I thank God every day but I am still new at this. I consult God with every choice I make but I am still new at this. I fight the devil every day but I am still new at this. I love God with all I have but I am still new at this. I have a unbelieving husband but I am still new at this. There are so many things that I have to offer people. That I could be offering people. I have incredible faith!

 

I don't speak out because I am still in that phase of "learning". Two years ago when I first started Sunday School I soaked it in like a sponge. A sponge that was dry and in desperate need of watering. Now I am a soaked sponge that is overflowing and can give to others. So now, if I may be so brave, I may venture into the "lending" stage and lend some of my advice, verbally. 

 

Casual talk doesn't bother me one bit; I am use to that. I have done that for 28 years. I can joke around in public, I can talk with my friends, but when it comes to talking about God, froze. It sucks because I KNOW Him!! And oh my, praying in public...well, God and I are working on that! (It is almost like my body goes into epileptic shock!)

 

I still may be new at this BUT I can give to others in a special way. My voice is MINE. God gave it to me to use!!  Let me get to using it, in other ways than on paper (or computer). So when I have something to say, I promise to say it. That is a promise to God and myself.  God doesn't care that I am not perfect and I shouldn't care what others think. So...here goes folks. Bare with me! :)

May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. - Psalm 119:171

And He said "Just Kidding"

We know that God never moves.

He is always near us.

He will never forsake us.

If we feel distant, we have moved away from his will. That is where I was as of last night, thankfully he is a God that is personal and comes to us when we ask him too.

 

For the past few days, maybe even a week; I have been in his word, worshiping him, doing all the 'right things'. But the distance between us was there, if anything it was growing. There was something that I was doing wrong and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to find out what was going on and try to fix it. So last night I went to him and confronted him about why my heart felt a little further than normal from him.

 

Personally, I am able to hear him best and we have our best conversations in the shower. I don't have the distractions of a sweet 2 year old or a loving husband. I can pray, cry and sing. (Then come out refreshed and looking beautiful! ;-))

 

The challenge is to be open enough to hear his voice and to see the answer. Most of the time we choose not to see the answer because it isn't what we want. But He loves us too much to leave us where we are. 

 

He is my creator. He knows without a shadow of a doubt what I need. I am ok with Him being quiet. I can 'be still'. I praise him for unanswered prayers and answered prayers, but what I won't stand for is being even a centimeter away from his everlasting grasp.

 

God said "You made a move that you thought was right, but you did it without consulting in Me first." He said that this is not going the way it was suppose to, so I am taking it away. Ouch! Yup, that is what I get! Trying to think that I could do it without him. I did it unintentionally but I still did it. There was a place in the back of my head where I am sure satan was saying "haha, gotcha".

 

And this is a small issue. I know that I would consult the Big Guy on all big things first. But we forget to consult him about the little things. And I did. And he reminded me that he is in charge of those too!! Yup, I am back tracking now! Taking it all back. All that I said before. Going back to where I once was. Trying to get my humility back.

 

What I have learned from this that I thought that I could do something and call it a God thing.....yeah, I was wrong. God may have been behind it from the start, but when I got took a step off of his track and did something for my glory and not his, he ultimately rejected the whole thing. When I did that, my mind got focused it on that thing and less on Him.  He brought to my attention last night that my focus was really on what other people may or may not have thought,. My intentions were not that, but I am a sinner. I need God's grace, mercy and strength...every day and in every thing.

 

Because I was doing all the 'right things', my tank remained full. I was able to see his answer, hear his voice and for that I am very thankful.

 

I am very blessed. Thank you for Your perfect plan, above all else, thank you for Your amazing grace. 

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalm 139:23-24

 

 

 

 

 

Representing My Faith

During my brief facebook hiatus, God poured some difficult trials on me. Life must go one. Being a mother, a wife, a christian, a friend, etc...all of those have duties. He apparently sees it fit to give me those, so He sees it fit that I can fulfill those duties. It was a brief period but I learned a lot about myself and about God.

 

It didn't take me as long to come to this conclusion about facebook as I thought it would. I enjoy my life without it being consumed with facebook. I get more done. However I do miss seeing my family and friends. All of those sweet babies. So I have decided that my hiatus is over.

 

Being involved with the youth at church, the kids are on facebook and it is an outreach.  They see worldly things that their friends post. I could be the one (hopefully not the only one) that post about God's glory, grace, mercy, etc.

 

Facebook doesn't have to be the devils playground. I have decided to use it to continue to spread God's word.

 

I miss encouraging people. You never know who needs it!

 

Ive been thinking about it for a few days and as Cory reaffirmed last night in youth:

"Being a Christian is not about what you don't do, it is about what you do to represent your faith!"

 

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. - Ephesians 2:10

 

Let us all start somewhere.