My Voice

To get what is 'on the inside' out is a task that has proven to be much more difficult than I had expected it to be.

 

To open my mouth and speak what my mind thinks....

 

To let my heart over flow out of my mouth....

 

I have prayed many prayers to be able to open up and let it out! There is so much inside of me that I want to express. Sometimes it feels like I am physically incapable to say it. Like I am being choked. I know that there is not a wrong answer and what I have to say may help someone else. Someone else maybe thinking the same thing, or may have the same problem and I could help. But most of the time I am scared to speak.

 

I have pondered and pondered on why I have this problem for a long time. I can write it out, no problem. But when it comes to talking about it, I freeze, literally. I greatly enjoy writing about my feelings, my voice speaks loudly in my writing. When I write it out, people aren't here to interrupt me. Judge the topic. Or criticize my knowledge.

 

Just now, as I was in the kitchen cooking tonight's meal, and I had a totally different blog in mind, I figured out why I hold back what I have to say.

 

I think it is because in some way I consider myself an 'apprentice in being saved'. {break through}What I mean by that is that I have only been saved for 2 years. Everyone around me has years on me.

 

I fill myself with God's word every day but I am still new at this. I thank God every day but I am still new at this. I consult God with every choice I make but I am still new at this. I fight the devil every day but I am still new at this. I love God with all I have but I am still new at this. I have a unbelieving husband but I am still new at this. There are so many things that I have to offer people. That I could be offering people. I have incredible faith!

 

I don't speak out because I am still in that phase of "learning". Two years ago when I first started Sunday School I soaked it in like a sponge. A sponge that was dry and in desperate need of watering. Now I am a soaked sponge that is overflowing and can give to others. So now, if I may be so brave, I may venture into the "lending" stage and lend some of my advice, verbally. 

 

Casual talk doesn't bother me one bit; I am use to that. I have done that for 28 years. I can joke around in public, I can talk with my friends, but when it comes to talking about God, froze. It sucks because I KNOW Him!! And oh my, praying in public...well, God and I are working on that! (It is almost like my body goes into epileptic shock!)

 

I still may be new at this BUT I can give to others in a special way. My voice is MINE. God gave it to me to use!!  Let me get to using it, in other ways than on paper (or computer). So when I have something to say, I promise to say it. That is a promise to God and myself.  God doesn't care that I am not perfect and I shouldn't care what others think. So...here goes folks. Bare with me! :)

May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. - Psalm 119:171