Oh me, oh my

I need to "vent"!! I have a lot of things on my mind that I want to 'release'.  The other day I blogged about my "attitude funk". Well.....I hadn't really shaken it. I had in certain ways but I still showed some attitude, just ask Brandon....he can vouch for that! (ha ha sorry babe).

Friday I got off early, had a great afternoon (cleaning the house). Saturday was great at the water park!! Landen LOVED every minute of it. That boy is fearless - and when I say fearless....I mean FEARLESS!!!! It is scary! Cant take me eye off of him for one single minute, so momma was worn out!! Sunday Landen and I went to church, and in that place of worship is where I felt the burden on my heart.

I have been thinking of getting baptized, praying about it a lot. God has reassured me that it is what I need to do.

I have been talking with my dad for the last few weeks and it has been a slow start but it is a start in the right direction to our relationship growing.

Pastor Steve at my church is leaving at the end of July and I would like to be baptized with him as pastor, so my time line is limited. I know that my dad has a vacation coming at the end of July, so I asked if he was available to come to church with me on July 24th. (I hadn't told him why because I didn't want to "pressure him" into coming.) He said that his vacation starts on the 24th and couldn't make it here in time.

Ok that's cool, I thought, well Pastor Steve has one more Sunday, Ill ask my dad if he can come July 31st. I asked and he said that Casey (my half sister) and he have a cruise booked, leaving July 28th for 4 days.

He sent that to me in a message, that I read right before church service. I was emotional anyways because of "my funk", my sister had just told me she wouldnt there again and now this....

It hit my heart deeply. I know that he did not know why I was wanting him to come to church with me, and he still doesn't (until reading this blog). I don't want to pressure him, burden him, make him run away with.....I don't really know why it hurts but it does. I thought that it would be a great chance to start "fresh" with him. So....I held on to that pain.

Mrs. Janet had just told me (in Sunday school class) that I would need to come down in front of the church one Sunday before being baptized and let Pastor Steve introduce me. She asked if that made me nervous.....of course it does!! It shouldn't because I am becoming one with the Lord, but I will be all alone!!! That is a VERY emotional thing for me and I will be placed in the middle, in front of everyone to see that I am all alone!!!  OH ME OH MY!!!  So.....with that weighing on my heart, my dad, my sister, my attitude funk...I was on the verge of a major break down.

Sunday night came and that afternoon, I was seemingly fine, or I pretended to be fine, I tried/wanted to be fine. Until Brandon and I had a tiny disagreement. All my worries came to a head and after my shower, I broke down. I sat in the bathroom floor crying and praying to the great Lord above about my worries. I asked him to:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. - Psalm 139:23

I cried like I have never cried before to the Lord. When I thought that I was about to rise out of it, I would cry some more. I heard Brandon coming through the closed door and I thought, oh my...this is a first, he has never seen me like this; but I couldn't move. He asked if I was ok and I shook my head yes, and he knelt down beside me and hugged me. It was exactly what I needed at the exact right time. I cried some more!! 

When I left that bathroom, I felt renewed. I totally felt that 'attitude funk' being released. Even though the situation with my dad had not changed, I felt (and still feel) calm about it. The situation with me going to the front of the church alone, still scares the fire out of me... but I was reassure that He will be standing there with me and it will make me a STRONGER me. Just a fair warning: I know I will cry...that is what I do now...I cry. I am crying now...:)

Brandon said that it is "nice to have me back"!!  I feel the same... I am glad to be back. Thanks to the Lord being by myside, I can be back with m full suit of armor:  the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. - Ephesians 6:17

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North:

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know