Father's Day

This year was Brandon's second fathers day. He is a wonderful dad. Caring, loving, teaching, nurturing, supportive, a protector, he is everything that a dad should be. I am so proud that he is the man that gets to be my child's father. Landen is a very lucky boy.

Fathers day has been something that I always overlooked. I do have a great step dad, that I have known since I was about 15-16. He has been a dad figure in my life and I am very thankful for that. Thank you Jason.

For the past 27 years, I have not celebrated Fathers Day for my father. I have not known him as a father. My "relationship" with him as been a very rocky one. He would come into our lives and then leave. When he would leave, I would hold it against him and it would be one more cut in my heart. After a while all the feelings I had for him were hurtful and bitter. My sister would always be the one to give him another chance. I just couldn't do it. I knew that I would get hurt again and didn't want to go through that over and over.

Once I became a mother, I felt that I needed to protect my son from dissapointment over his grandpaw coming and going. I didnt want Landen to feel the pain that I had....after all, Landen has a Papa J that he loves very much. But my father is missing.

I would fight with my heart, "I want to know my dad, but I cant let him hurt my family."  My dad says that he has changed and that he wants to make an effort to be a dad and grandpaw.  That is music to my ears, if he can hold true.

Before I found Jesus, I really had no intentions of really ever having my dad back into my life. (Saying that now, I realize how sad I am about it.)

I forgive my dad. I forgive him because Jesus forgives. I will give him a chance and pray that Jesus will work in our lives. I have said some hurtful things to my dad. Those things may have been true but he didnt need to hear them from me; I am sure that he felt those things every day of his live.

While I am super nervous to mess this up, scared that he will leave again or "loose intrest" and anxious to step out of my comfort zone. I need to start this journey with my dad, I pray for the best. The road to distroying the relationship was rough, I am sure that the road to repairing it will be rough too. To start building a father/daughter relationship at the ripe age of 27, is going to be hard. We have a lot of time to catch up on. Slow and steady wins the race. 

So dad, if you are reading this.....Im ready. I want to say that I love you and mean it. I havent said it because I dont, I cant force a lie.  However, I want to fix that.